Mark Holmes
Jew - a person belonging to the worldwide group claiming descent from Jacob (or converted to it) and connected by cultural or religious ties.

Age: 22

Born: Crawley Hospital

Position: Defender

Nickname: Holmesy

Team: Chelsea

Strengths: Good tackling

Weaknesses: Passing

Plays a bit like: A Jewish Neil Lennon

Career Highlights: Winning promotion to County One (Sussex)

Best player played with: Jay Tabb

Joker @ the club: Myself

Tunes: I Predict a Riot... Boys Are Back In Town

Flicks: Snatch

Car: Vauxhall Vectra

Chicks: Tall, busty and blonde

Describe in Five words: Funny - only to look at

Longest in the showers: Me